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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23521942">Fight Your War, One Battle At A Time</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashjudephoenix/pseuds/Ashjudephoenix'>Ashjudephoenix</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>1917 (Movie 2019)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>An exploration of learning to live life after losing someone, Angst, Canon Universe, Grief, I mean a ton of angst, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, no beta we die like men</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:55:27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,257</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23521942</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashjudephoenix/pseuds/Ashjudephoenix</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A Captain once told William Schofield that it doesn't do to dwell on the death of someone you care about.  But after returning home from the war, it seems all Will is able to do is dwell on death and all that it has taken from him.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Tom Blake/William Schofield</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Part 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Happy 1917 Day, y'all! I'm a bit late to the party, as this is my first fic with this fandom and I'm really excited - and really nervous - to finally be posting it!  I've been sitting on this story for about two months now, waiting for it to hatch and become the perfect story I've dreamt long and hard about. Buuuut that hasn't happened and I got tired of sitting on it, so I've had to work up the courage to post it, flaws and all.<br/></p><p>









Before you dive in, I want to make a few disclaimers.  Firstly, when I started this story, I tried to limit myself to 2000 words so I didn't get carried away and get stuck in a WWI and early 20th century research rabbit hole. Truth is, I don't like being given limits, and so the story is currently sitting at almost 9000 words now, and that will shift about as I continue to edit the stinkin' thing.  There will probably (most likely) be historical inaccuracies and inconsistencies throughout, not to mention I'm from the States, so I'm not too familiar with all things British, so please feel free to correct me if you spot anything wrong.<br/></p>
<p>









Secondly, this story is incredibly dark.  There isn't a lot of dialogue, nor is there a lot of fluff.  This is a story of trying to cope with the death of someone you love, and it is not going smoothly.  There will be triggering material, so I will let you know in each chapter what is coming and when.  I'll even mark in the story where the <strong>really</strong> triggering material is, so you can skip past it if you like. (I kinda feel like I shouldn't be posting this during this whole virus outbreak, but oh well. It's 1917 day 2020.  Everyone else seems to be doing the same. *shrugs*)<br/></p>
<p>









And finally, I'm in my last semester of college, so things are pretty busy for me on top of dealing with this Coronavirus business. I'm going to try and aim to post every Friday, but if I don't, it will be up sometime during the weekend.<br/></p>
<p>









One last thing: I'm including a song on each chapter that either inspired the chapter or has something of a Blakefield vibe to it, at least to me. You don't have to listen to it, it's just something I thought I might include, just for funsies.<br/></p>
<p>









Song: Tomorrow - Downplay  https://youtu.be/G6GJOQO3N6E<br/>
I hope y'all enjoy this!  It's been a trip writing it.<br/>
So anyway, without further ado, here's Wonderwall.</p>
<p>







 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  <strong>**Content Warning - Blood, Dead bodies (mentioned), Loss, Grieving, Self-harm**</strong></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>The mouth of the German bunker yawns open before Will. The darkness is terrifying.<br/>
</em></p><p>
  <em>
He takes one step forward and watches as the inky blackness covers his leg.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Screams resonate from within the bunker.  Faint, at first.  Then they grow louder and louder.  He can’t see who – or what- the inhuman cries are coming from.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
‘Scho!’<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
He tries to step back.  His leg won’t move.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
‘Scho! Talk to me!’ The voice is anguished.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
His heart thumps against his chest.  Whoever it is down there knows him.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
He flips on his torch.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Down a flight of stairs, there stands an eerie figure, melding with the dimness, frozen like a creature caught in a trap.  It appears to be human…<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
It looks directly into the light.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
‘Scho.’<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
He thinks he should be able to relax.  It’s only Blake down there. He appears to be alive and well.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
But something isn’t right.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Blake’s helmet and gun are gone.  When had he discarded them?<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Why is he just…standing down there? Defenseless? Staring up the stairwell as if he’d seen a ghost? Wasn’t he worried about saving his brother?<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Why had he been screaming?<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Blake, with sudden resolve, started stiffly walking up the stairs, eyes fixated on Will.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
‘Help me!’<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
More details become clear.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
His too wide eyes are the putrid color of algae. His uniform is covered in mud.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
His hands clutch his stomach, pressing down so hard they push through the decaying flesh…<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Closer he comes. The mud no longer looks like mud…<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Blake is now two steps away.  Will finds he can move, but only slowly…<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
This is wrong…<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Blake has now emerged from his tomb, and it is a miserable sight.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
What the torchlight failed to illuminate, the daylight now did.  Blake, covered in the liquid output of his fatal wound and the resulting infection, stumbles toward him, his mouth opening as wide and as empty as the bunker below them in a silent scream.  Pus runs from his eyes, his face contorted in pain.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
‘SCHO!’  The shout hits him as hard as a bullet.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
I can’t save you.  There is no fixing this.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em><strong>
‘Why am I the way that I am?!’ </strong> Blake moans, his speech slurred.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
No matter how far back Will moves, Blake is somehow faster.  Will stumbles and Blake leaps forward, seizing him by his vest.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em><strong>
‘What have I become?!’</strong>  Blake shrieks, his once lovely eyes now so full of despair.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
I don’t know, Will wants to say.  But Blake’s hand has now cupped his throat and is starting to squeeze.  What have you become… What <strong>have</strong> you become, indeed…<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Blake is unsatisfied with the lack of an answer.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
They have somehow lost their footing and Will is lying on the wet ground, the mud squelching as Blake situates himself on top of him.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em><strong>
‘Talk to me! Tell me why, Scho, please!’</strong><br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Will tries to ignore the blood and spittle raining down from Blake’s mouth. A river of red has now begun to run down his chin and neck, rippling anew each time he spoke.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Stop, Will wants to plead. You’re suffering and I can’t tell you why except that I couldn’t save you.  I’m sorry.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Blake’s eyes are almost translucent now, seeping a foul substance onto his cheeks, staining them yellow.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em><strong>
‘TELL ME, SCHO! TALK TO ME! DON’T JUST LIE THERE AND LOOK AT ME! PLEASE SAY SOMETHING!’</strong><br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
I can’t. I can’t save you.  I keep trying and trying and I never can. This will end the same way every time!<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Blake doesn’t understand.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
I’m so sorry.  So, so sorry…<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
There’s an explosion somewhere nearby. Dirt and wood burst into tiny fragments.  They’re going to be shelled within minutes. Why the Hun have decided to destroy their own trenches, he’ll never know.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Blake has heard it, too.  He starts to turn to look behind him.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Will finds his strength and shoves Blake off of him, pushing him to the ground and pinning him there.   Blake coughs, blood bubbling up to his mouth and splattering across his face.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
He looks so pitiful and so lost.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Will can’t leave him here.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
There’s another explosion, this time closer.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Will lies down on top of Blake, attempting to shield him from oncoming death.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
I’m sorry this is all I can do, that I wasn’t able to do more.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
‘Scho?!’ Blake is frightened, beginning to squirm in panic.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
At least we’re together.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Blake’s gaze softens, but he still appears uncertain.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
I’m here, and we’ll be going home soon.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
A hint of a smile pulls at the corner of Blake’s mouth, and just for a second, one second, Will can see the Blake that he loves, the Blake that once was.<br/>
</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
He tries to hold onto that as they burst into a million shards of light. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Will replays the now murky scraps of the dream as he listens to his sister’s footfalls coming down the hallway.<br/>
</p><p>
It’s nights like these that Will wishes he could fall asleep and never reawaken.  Nights like these involve constant echoes of past nightmares, endless thoughts and rising anxiety, chasing each other around in circles in his now restless brain. And all he can do is stare at the ceiling, frozen until his eyes eventually grow so weak that they shut of their own accord.<br/>
</p><p>
And then more nightmares begin.<br/>
</p><p>
One would think that even after weeks had passed since he was sent home that the pain would lessen to a bearable degree. Time is <em>supposed</em> to heal all wounds.  Life is <em>supposed</em> to go on, no matter what.<br/>
</p><p>
One would think the small things wouldn’t take him back to the war, either.  But the unexpected bang of a door, any sudden movement, even the smell of the rain at times… They all take him back.<br/>
</p><p>
Though it is on his mind constantly, Will is never one to talk about the war.  He refuses to discuss it with his sister, who had been kind enough to let Will live with her for a spell, and she’s never brought it up, but there are questions in her eyes.<br/>
</p><p>
The unspoken questions don’t matter to Will. It’s the alone time that continues to bother him, when his thought process begins to run rampant.  When the what ifs begin to bleed into his mind.<br/>
</p><p>
When their parents died, Will was told to remember the good times. In that case, that advice had worked fairly well. But putting that same advice into practice after what he’d experienced in the war is easier said than done.<br/>
</p><p>
Besides, where were the good times in a war? Even if there were good times, they were always laced with the fear that they might very well be the last good times one ever has.<br/>
</p><p>
Even then, it’s hard to remember the good times with a particular person when the only memory one can conjure up of them is their life spilling out red onto your hand, no matter how one tried to keep it pressed inside,  and the lost look in their eyes as they realize their life was cut shorter than they had expected, their will to live draining out of them as fast as the blood...<br/>
</p><p>
When you lose someone that bright, who shined brighter than life itself… where does one go from there?  And when you long to hear someone’s voice, but that voice has vanished from all existence, how does one cope with that?<br/>
</p><p>
Occasionally, a smell, a sound, or even a glance from a pair of identical eyes will make it feel as though they’d never left for that one hopeful moment.  But when that moment passes, the grief comes crashing down again.<br/>
</p><p>
Blake didn’t deserve to die, much less in such a slow, agonizing manner…<br/>
</p><p>
Will’s sister pushes his door open, the light from the corridor leaking into his room. She comes to sit with him.  He’s thankful that she was willing to let him stay on until he can get back on his feet, but he knows he must be a burden to her. She’ll of course tell him otherwise, and while it makes him feel better for the moment, he swears he will never let her, nor her girls, discover what kind of shadows he is harboring.<br/>
</p><p>
He deals with enough ghosts as it is.  The horrors of war don’t wander far away from him.  Even long after he has left the battlefield, Will wakes up screaming night after night.  His sister will come to calm him, and though he appreciates her support, there are bad nights where it takes time for reality to settle in, that he is in his bed and not in the slick mud of the trenches, watching as his fellow soldiers explode in showers of red right next to him. He’s not in the ruined town of Écoust, with the keepers of its burning buildings raining hellfire down upon him.<br/>
</p><p>
It takes time to realize that the buttons on Will’s coat, reflective in the soft light, are not in fact the eyes of the German soldier bursting out of their sockets as Will strangled the life out of him.   His sister’s hands are not that of the poor girl who saved a child whose parents she did not know, though in one repulsive dream, the child lay dead at their feet in a pool of blood.<br/>
</p><p>
There is never time enough to get over these images.  They haunt him through the night, through the day, on and on for the rest of his forsaken life.<br/>
</p><p>
And Blake… Will swore that Blake’s blood still stained deep within the crevices of his hands, no matter how many times washed they were.<br/>
</p><p>
Blake should be alive.  If he had only listened, if Will had not left his side and had put that damned pilot out of his misery,  Blake would still be alive!   He could have reunited with his brother, maybe even returned home to see his mother, his dogs and his cherry orchard.<br/>
</p><p>
At the very least, he would be safe.<br/>
</p><p>
Perhaps, he may have even wanted to see Will again.  Will would give anything in this world just to look into those lovely blue eyes that seemed to hold endless wells of life inside.<br/>
</p><p>
But that’s not how it works. The dead don’t come back.  At least, not in forms that can be recognized or even understood. That’s a harsh fact that Will cannot come to terms with.<br/>
</p><p>
Instead of coming home, Blake is rotting away at a farmstead somewhere outside of Écoust.  His body most likely had consumed by the animals and the land, with nothing left to even show he was there.  He was alone, forgotten.  A nameless, faceless casualty among millions of others in this bloody war. No proper burial, no final prayers, no last goodbyes.<br/>
</p><p>
As far as the rest of the world was concerned, Blake never even existed.  All the people who could have been lucky enough to be able to meet him would now never be able to.  And so, everyone else’s world kept turning on and on without him.<br/>
</p><p>
God damn it all.<br/>
</p><p>
When Will’s sister leaves to retire to her room, Will curls up and lets the tears flow.  He covers his face in the blankets, digging his nails down into his skin.  This pain would keep him sane and alive, and if all else fails, it would make him feel something, anything other than this wretched grief.<br/>
</p><p>
How long could this possibly go on? It has not gotten any easier since he’s returned.  Life isn’t worth living if it was to be lived like this, day in and day out.<br/>
</p><p>
A small thump on the floor pulls Will from his brutal thoughts.  In the dark room, it is difficult to place where the sound came from.  He sits up straight in bed, scanning the room with wide eyes.<br/>
</p><p>
There.<br/>
</p><p>
On the floor next to the door is his coat.<br/>
</p><p>
Sighing, Will swings his legs out onto the cold floor and pads over to the pile of dark, woolen fabric. His sister had bought it for him when he returned, as something of a homecoming gift.<br/>
</p><p>
He hangs it up, ensuring that it was properly hooked.  His sister probably brushed by it when she passed to leave his room.<br/>
</p><p>
Still…<br/>
</p><p>
Will watches it with a weary gaze until his eyes can stay open no longer. </p><p>
  <em>There’s no comfort for me in thinking you’re alive when you’re not.  No matter where I go, you’ll always be gone.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Part 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey y'all! Happy Easter! Here's a new chapter, a little late.  It looks more like it'll be the weekend when I post.  World's biggest procrastinator here...This chapter is much lighter than the last one. There's mentions of death, but nothing like the last chapter.<br/>Also, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who read or even tried to read the first chapter. I really appreciate it! :)<br/>Song: Farewell and Goodnight - The Smashing Pumpkins  https://youtu.be/-uJvUG3Dshs</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The days blur together until Will no longer remembers what came before or after. His sense of time is lost. When his mind isn’t about to burst with grotesque replays of the war, he finds himself sitting still, too still, staring at the wall.  The emptiness in his head, the inability to focus on anything at all is suffocating.</p><p> 
	Will knows that he’s not the only soldier in history who has come home only in physical form. Mentally, he’s still in the war, unable to acclimate to civilian life. </p><p>
Therefore, life goes on without him. Hell, he feels like a ghost, tethered here only for his sister and his two nieces, who drag him out to play in the garden when he sits too listless in his chair.</p><p>
	His nieces bring some levity into his life.  Gwendolyn is an outgoing one, unafraid of anything.  She was always running about, full of energy and vibrance. Coming home covered in dirt and with her blonde hair in knots is not an unusual occurrence for her.</p><p>
Little Charlotte however is just the opposite.  She’s reserved, always one to sit aside and read rather than muck about in the garden. Always pensive, her mind off in daydreams and other lands made for young children. </p><p>
Though the pair are nothing alike, the one thing that unites them is their love of their mother.  And for their uncle, or so Will’s been told. </p><p>
Lately, he’s been finding that hard to believe. </p><p>
Today, Gwen is currently trying to convince Charlotte that hide and seek was a much better alternative way to pass the bright afternoon rather than sitting and writing a story.  Will wishes her luck with that, as Gwen pouts and folds her arms while Charlotte goes on about her scribbling, oblivious to her sister’s distaste.</p><p>
  Seeing them cloaked in their childhood innocence and the brightness in their eyes makes him vow to never see it smothered. Innocence like that should never be harmed.  </p><p>
	And it’s shortly after that thought passes that he remembers he’d made a similar promise to someone else dear and familiar.  That promise had been broken shortly after it was made.</p><p>
	That’s all it takes for his memories to swallow him whole.  </p><p>
	<em>The golden light of a spring afternoon basks Blake’s face in a gilded glow, his eyelids fluttering closed. They sit beside their tree, with nothing else to do but to hurry up and wait.  That’s what this entire damned war is consisted of.  Waiting.</em></p><p>
  <em>
	The light breeze is warm and almost cleansing from the heavy, atrocious air in the trenches.  A weight falls on Will’s shoulder.  Looking over, Blake has rested his head there, softly snoring.  It sure didn’t take long for the kid to fall asleep.  He could sleep in any position it seemed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
	Glancing around to be sure no one was about, Will rests his head lightly on top of Blake’s. There is something that feels right here, something safe and sacred.  But of course, no one would understand, or would even allow themselves to. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
	As weeks went by, the pair would try to rest together whenever possible, be it at the tree or in one of the dugouts in the trench.  If they could get away with it, Blake always preferred to sleep in his new favorite place on Will’s shoulder.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
	There was the one precious chilly night by their tree when Blake, as usual, leaned his head against Will. Trying to keep his face warm, he nestled impossibly closer, burrowing into the heat of Will’s neck. Already wide awake to keep watch for prying eyes, Will thought Blake was simply moving in his sleep, as the boy always had a tendency to be a bit restless.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
	There was no mistaking that Blake was asleep when Will felt soft lips press firmly into the crook of his jaw.  Electric shivers ran down Will’s spine and he turned to admonish Blake, only to find those eyes, those liquid blue eyes, laced with the glow of the moon, so close to him and filled with adoration. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
	His smile created dimples in his cheeks, still filled with puppy fat.  He was so young, just a boy who didn’t belong in this hellhole, too innocent for this world.  He didn’t deserve this, to be stuck here, trying to kiss Will when he could be elsewhere kissing someone else where he didn’t have to worry about being shelled or when which breath would be his last.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
	But there was no saying no to that face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
	After double checking that no one was looking, Will gently stroked Blake’s face and pressed his lips to his.  It wasn’t a long kiss, but it was enough to bring a soft whimper from Blake, of which sent a molten ache through Will’s body.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>
Over the following few nights, they would steal a kiss or two in the dead of night, as long as it was safe. But the forbidden contact only made the ache stronger.</em>
</p><p>
	Suddenly, Gwen jumps on him, her shouts jolting him from his reverie.  He doesn’t realize that he is crying until she, along with Charlotte, are wiping his face.  They ask him why he’s crying.  He forces a smile, smoothing their hair and telling them to never mind him.  He is just remembering someone he cared about.</p><p>
	“If you care about them so, why are you crying?”  Gwen asks.</p><p>
	Will pauses. “I miss him. That’s all.” He finally admits.</p><p>
	Charlotte cocks her head and smiles, “Well, I’m sure he misses you, too.”</p><p>
	Will opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out except a startled laugh. </p><p>
	Upon hearing that laugh, the girls tackle him to the ground, but even a round of play fighting won’t prevent the onslaught of feelings that are about to wash over him. He struggles to hide his face from the girls as best he can.</p><p>
How he wishes he could hide away from all that is cruel in this world like these two perfect children could!  He longed to escape into the distant past, where he had no cares, no worries, no thought as to where he might end up.  </p><p>
	<em>Is this what little boys and girls want to grow up to be? They long to understand the world the way we do.  And only when they finally come to understand, do they wish they could go back and appreciate what they had.</em></p><p>
	Gwen and Charlotte don’t understand death quite yet. Will fears for the day when they will.  Death should never touch them in any way, shape or form. </p><p>
	But it seems that innocence is what death feeds on, regardless of whether it’s the life that it consumes or the lives of those around the consumed one.  Death didn’t have preferences.  </p><p>
	But where did death take those it consumes? </p><p>
	
<em>After watching your life evaporate into the air in my arms, where did you go? You were here with me one moment and the next, you’re gone.  Your body was no longer fit to hold your soul…but where did your soul go? </em></p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>As always, comments are really appreciated! I'll see you in the next chap! Peace out!&lt;3</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>See y'all in the next chap.  Peace out!<br/>Btw, I'm Ashjudephoenix on Tumblr, as well. I hang out there the most, so if you wanna chat or something, hit me up! Or whatever the kids call it these days.<br/>Comments are really appreciated! :)</p></blockquote></div></div>
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